A Memory Worth Reminiscing

It’s him!

It’s a party. The lights were naturally dim and the place crowded. All it took was a glimpse at him and a memory went rushing back.

He used to hitched in our ride.

She doesn’t mind hitching. In fact, hitchers literally bring passengers closer and they break the monotony through their tidbits of interestingly fresh issues from their respective departments. She took notice of him this particular eve with his masculine aura though he seemed indifferent to everyone. His silence disturbed her. Noisy and nosy as she may be, acting as TV talk show host and interviewing people riding with her, she couldn’t get through him ‘coz he got his headphones on and his gaze outside the window. It’s pathetic really that she discretely tried to vie for his attention. So she just quit it.

He hitched again.

Yes, he’s uncannily good-looking, she admitted to herself. His messed-up hair works for him. His scent captivating. But he’s just too quiet! Sitting on the same spot, he had his headphones on and his gaze outside. Again.

He’s not wearing his headphones this time but she’s sure it’s him. He laughed with everyone and sometimes acted folly. He trotted from one group to another and gave them shots. Alcohol could indeed loosen the tongue and free the spirit! She enjoyed watching him let go.

She mustered her courage and came over the table where he’s in. She chattered her way to the group, gave them a laugh or two, and she won their hearts. “A drink?” he suddenly asked her. Abashed and caught off guard, she obliged. She started a conversation with him and they talked thereafter. They’re basically strangers but they’re talking like old friends now!

On the spur of the moment, she asked him, “why do you always stare outside the window?”

“To gaze at your reflection,” he said.

And the rest is history.

There’s no such thing as love anymore

Love is sacrifice.

When you love, it doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy. It means sacrificing something, usually something really important, in the hope of becoming happier than you already are. Love is a freak’n gamble. If you’ve tossed too much money in the bank without winning enough, do you withdraw? Or do you give it all?

Are you the withdrawing type that always weighs the pros and cons? Who calculates the risk? Who gives a shot, studies the outcome and acts from it? You’re not a gambler. You’re like counting, you’ll be kicked out of the casino.

Loving is giving it all; wanting the winning prize; risking it all; giving without conditions or much thought. This is love.

No one’s a full giver but mothers to their unborn child. Pregnant mothers feed themselves, drink milk, take vitamins, exercise, sleep amply well, and walk slowly for the baby. For the baby. If the fetus lacks calcium for bone formation, the body automatically removes calcium from the mother’s bone and deposits it to the baby. No questions asked. No conditions but to come out alive — a condition that is not fully benefial to the mother.

In a romantic relationship, I don’t believe in love anymore. Rather, I believe in “practical relationship.” In this world where situations get complicated and norms go bent, getting into a relationship now have conditions. “I’m a single mom. My boyfriend should love my kids, too.” “I’m a smart lady. Too smart for anybody. My husband should be understanding of my endeavors.” “I’m a doctor. My future wife should grasp that the importance of saving lives is above her petty emotions.” “Since I’m gay, I’d like my partner to be sympathetic of my needs. He has to be proud of me as a person.” Scarce are elope stories. Leaving behind what you’ve worked hard for the person you “love” is as stupid as not eating.

Well I guess this is only applicable for unmarried people. I heard everything gets even more complex at marriage…

Digging a spinster’s mind

I feel so lonely.

I’m not meant for this life. “Spinstery” is not for me. (It’s crazy that I feel like a spinster at 25.) I might die of loneliness. If it won’t kill me, i might just kill myself. I always long for a man’s kind words, a man’s gesture to protect, a man’s gentle touch, a man’s hungry kiss. I cannot envision not raising a child (or children!) — seeing his first smile, guiding him walk, instructing him to talk, pinching his soft chubby cheeks, seeing him stand on his own, teaching him abc’s and 123’s, cooking for him, giving him his first baon to school, seeing him off to school, wearing him his medal, telling him to cook/clean the house/wash the dishes/wash his clothes/watch over his siblings, taking a look at his girlfriend (and another, and another), supporting him at his down points, watching him graduate, arranging his tie for his first interview, witnessing him walking down the aisle, having grand kids .. If God will permit, which means everything will fall into place including financial stability, I want to be a hands-on mom and wife. I want to have a happy family with affection for each other. I want to have a small garden. I want to have dogs, so my children should be asthma-free. I want them to get pets as well so they’ll learn to be responsible.

Friends are always there, sure they are. But they have their own lives. I can’t just pull them out from their lives and focus on my own if I feel being self-centered. I can just do that for emergency reasons. Maybe if my concern is more important than their own or it’s a life threatening situation. I can’t rule their lives because I’m sure that someone’s ruling it already.

I can’t be alone. I don’t want to be alone when I grow old. I want to spend my eternity with that special someone. He’ll comfort me if I’m feeling ugly, continue to laugh at my jokes and listen to my wild crazy stories as excerpts from my imagination. Selfish as this may sound, i want to be someone’s world.

I’m so depressed right now… And I’m scared that this might be a prelude to a lonelier future.